13 cursed cross-promotions we’re probably getting from Xbox’s Activision Blizzard acquisition

Image: Blizzard Entertainment Are you ready for a side of Master Chief with your Call of Duty? Microsoft made waves this week when it announced its intention to purchase Activision Blizzard for $68.7 billion. When the deal closes sometime next year, Xbox will own a giant collection of video game properties — Call of Duty, Warcraft, and much more. And if Disney has taught us anything, it’s that consolidation breeds cross-promotion. Here are 13 (hopefully) fake predictions for Xbox’s cross-promotional plans. A Master Chief operator in 2023’s Call of Duty If this one doesn’t happen, I’ll be shocked. With Halo Infinite, Master Chief already learned to sprint and aim down sights — he’s been training for this moment. And as I’ve been saying for years, anything Frank the rabbit from Donnie Darko can do, Master Chief can do better. Jimmy Raynor in Gears 6 Jim Raynor is a bulky armor boy with a shitty haircut and an OK beard who regularly blows goopy aliens apart mere inches away from his face. He’s basically already in Gears of War; Microsoft just has to make it official. A Warthog mount in World of Warcraft The World of Warcraft heroes and their friends have already been to space, alternate timelines, and literal hell. It only makes sense that next year I’ll be rolling around Kalimdor in in my Warthog jeep, trying not to aggro mobs. And hey, once I unlock flying, a Pelican can attach itself to the Warthog and carry me around. The Zerg in Minecraft The Zerg make unsettling noises and they’re obnoxiously persistent, fitting the two main criteria to be an enemy in Minecraft. Just imagine leaving your castle for a few hours and coming back to a sprawling Zerg nest where all your rooms are filled with goop. Nasty. A drivable Hammond Wrecking Ball in Forza Horizon 6 Forza wavers between hardcore racing and peaceful, speedy rides through nature. The only thing that could make it better would be rolling around in a massive hamster ball crushing all the other cars around you. Clippy helps with World of Warcraft’s dungeon finder pic.twitter.com/2aNc8DoWT9— Taliesin & Evitel (@TaliesinEvitel) January 18, 2022 This one we’re borrowing from World of Warcraft YouTuber Taliesin & Evitel’s Twitter account. But as much as I’d love Clippy to help me find a dungeon group, I worry about how quickly the LFG community will beat the soul out of his poor, blinky eyes. Tracer is really good at running from zombies in State of Decay 3 Zombies aren’t very fast, but you need a lot of energy to run from them forever. That’s why Tracer, Overwatch’s most energetic hero, will come to State of Decay 3 as a special survivor. Just imagine running from a horde of zombies and then teleporting backward to surprise them all. Zombies don’t have object permanence! They’ll forget Tracer was ever there. Enter the mind of Kerrigan in Psychonauts 3 Psychonauts is great, but too cute. People’s minds can be truly dark places. That’s why Psychonauts 3 will take us into the mind of Kerrigan! We’ll get to platform our way through her life as a Ghost, mother of the Zerg, and a giant god lady. Stop the Nazis from summoning Azmodan, Lord of Sin, in Wolfenstein 3 Nazis are always up to horrible shit, and we’ve already seen a look into their occult interests in Wolfenstein: The New Order and Wolfenstein 2: The New Colossus. It only makes sense for them to summon a giant crab demon in BJ’s next Nazi-hunting adventure. Doomguy will replace the Demon Hunter in Diablo 4 Blizzard has already announced four classes for Diablo 4, but the fifth and final is still a mystery. Doomguy would be a natural pick — he’s been killing demons in droves for, like, 28 years — and it would make for great marketing for the follow-up to Doom Eternal. A quest to kill 50 mutated Elwynn Forest boars in Fallout 5 We’ve all spent hours hunting for bandits in Fallout games and grinding boars for experience points in World of Warcraft. Why not just combine players’ favorite activities by mutating some classic Elwynn Forest boars and plopping them into the Wasteland? Crash Bandicoot Excel spreadsheets A lot of PlayStation 1 owners are in their 30s now, working for a living so they can afford their Game Pass subscription. Microsoft would be foolish not to take advantage of the working stiffs out there and offer an add-on for Excel that keeps Crash Bandicoot running through your empty cells. The Lost Vikings are the final bosses of The Elder Scrolls 6 The Lost Vikings are some of Blizzard’s oldest heroes, so why not insert them into a new game everyone’s excited for? The Lost Vikings will make formidable final foes for players in Bethesda’s upcoming Elder Scrolls 6 — the real problem is that only one of them can move at a time.

13 cursed cross-promotions we’re probably getting from Xbox’s Activision Blizzard acquisition
The Lost Vikings
Image: Blizzard Entertainment

Are you ready for a side of Master Chief with your Call of Duty?

Microsoft made waves this week when it announced its intention to purchase Activision Blizzard for $68.7 billion. When the deal closes sometime next year, Xbox will own a giant collection of video game properties — Call of Duty, Warcraft, and much more. And if Disney has taught us anything, it’s that consolidation breeds cross-promotion.

Here are 13 (hopefully) fake predictions for Xbox’s cross-promotional plans.

A Master Chief operator in 2023’s Call of Duty

If this one doesn’t happen, I’ll be shocked. With Halo Infinite, Master Chief already learned to sprint and aim down sights — he’s been training for this moment. And as I’ve been saying for years, anything Frank the rabbit from Donnie Darko can do, Master Chief can do better.

Jimmy Raynor in Gears 6

Jim Raynor is a bulky armor boy with a shitty haircut and an OK beard who regularly blows goopy aliens apart mere inches away from his face. He’s basically already in Gears of War; Microsoft just has to make it official.

A Warthog mount in World of Warcraft

The World of Warcraft heroes and their friends have already been to space, alternate timelines, and literal hell. It only makes sense that next year I’ll be rolling around Kalimdor in in my Warthog jeep, trying not to aggro mobs. And hey, once I unlock flying, a Pelican can attach itself to the Warthog and carry me around.

The Zerg in Minecraft

The Zerg make unsettling noises and they’re obnoxiously persistent, fitting the two main criteria to be an enemy in Minecraft. Just imagine leaving your castle for a few hours and coming back to a sprawling Zerg nest where all your rooms are filled with goop. Nasty.

A drivable Hammond Wrecking Ball in Forza Horizon 6

Forza wavers between hardcore racing and peaceful, speedy rides through nature. The only thing that could make it better would be rolling around in a massive hamster ball crushing all the other cars around you.

Clippy helps with World of Warcraft’s dungeon finder

This one we’re borrowing from World of Warcraft YouTuber Taliesin & Evitel’s Twitter account. But as much as I’d love Clippy to help me find a dungeon group, I worry about how quickly the LFG community will beat the soul out of his poor, blinky eyes.

Tracer is really good at running from zombies in State of Decay 3

Zombies aren’t very fast, but you need a lot of energy to run from them forever. That’s why Tracer, Overwatch’s most energetic hero, will come to State of Decay 3 as a special survivor. Just imagine running from a horde of zombies and then teleporting backward to surprise them all. Zombies don’t have object permanence! They’ll forget Tracer was ever there.

Enter the mind of Kerrigan in Psychonauts 3

Psychonauts is great, but too cute. People’s minds can be truly dark places. That’s why Psychonauts 3 will take us into the mind of Kerrigan! We’ll get to platform our way through her life as a Ghost, mother of the Zerg, and a giant god lady.

Stop the Nazis from summoning Azmodan, Lord of Sin, in Wolfenstein 3

Nazis are always up to horrible shit, and we’ve already seen a look into their occult interests in Wolfenstein: The New Order and Wolfenstein 2: The New Colossus. It only makes sense for them to summon a giant crab demon in BJ’s next Nazi-hunting adventure.

Doomguy will replace the Demon Hunter in Diablo 4

Blizzard has already announced four classes for Diablo 4, but the fifth and final is still a mystery. Doomguy would be a natural pick — he’s been killing demons in droves for, like, 28 years — and it would make for great marketing for the follow-up to Doom Eternal.

A quest to kill 50 mutated Elwynn Forest boars in Fallout 5

We’ve all spent hours hunting for bandits in Fallout games and grinding boars for experience points in World of Warcraft. Why not just combine players’ favorite activities by mutating some classic Elwynn Forest boars and plopping them into the Wasteland?

Crash Bandicoot Excel spreadsheets

A lot of PlayStation 1 owners are in their 30s now, working for a living so they can afford their Game Pass subscription. Microsoft would be foolish not to take advantage of the working stiffs out there and offer an add-on for Excel that keeps Crash Bandicoot running through your empty cells.

The Lost Vikings are the final bosses of The Elder Scrolls 6

The Lost Vikings are some of Blizzard’s oldest heroes, so why not insert them into a new game everyone’s excited for? The Lost Vikings will make formidable final foes for players in Bethesda’s upcoming Elder Scrolls 6 — the real problem is that only one of them can move at a time.